On occasion I’ve found myself wondering if it was at all possible to divert or change my destiny. I’ve spent year trying to figure out what it is I’m truly supposed to do. It’s not something out of the ordinary, I think, for most of us to ponder. Some of you reading might think, “I surely know my role in society”, or ” I’m very proud of what I do and I live to do it”. Very well. However, through the very vail of life I find it easy for people to manipulate others into what their dreams or aspirations are for their life. If you can’t tell I’ve been going through somewhat of a struggle in the past few months. Self fulfillment. My self. My own ideas and desires that I want to come into reality. 

Existence can be defined on a personal level. It’s either a good thing or a bad thing. Let us boil it all down. What really led you to do what you just did? Was it one of the basic needs of man? Or was the event something that validates your existence? Or you could blame it on dualism. We could say that in the philosophy of occasionalism, God made me to endure several failures and some successes to in turn be more passionate or creative. Maybe so. With all due respect, I don’t understand God. I’m simply not meant to. No one is. It’s God. So when the event of our recent tragedy hit, all I could do was think about where to pick up the pieces and move forward. “What is my existence now?” I wondered. “Is this supposed to be a driving force that wakes me up, or is this just a miscalculated travesty that left us all second guessing our own personal meaning of life?”. 

Through this event I believe each of us have gained a new level of existence. For a moment, as I’m typing, I feel it a little odd to think that I could call this mess a reason for us to be driven. Too late. It is. What if things were different? I could waste another 40 minutes of your time typing out all the ways and disasters that brought me to this band. Or group of gentlemen (the way I describe us to venues that never respond back).  All of it to count up to occasionalism. In short I would blame myself, but is it really me pulling the strings? I don’t know. 

I think we all have spent hours searching for confirmation from friends, relatives, spouses, significant others, listeners, mental health professionals, strangers, or even God. In this case, I think we heard from God. You may think this is strange, but I really think God took away things that we love to then later show us that he believes in us more than we believe in him. Just like a miracle you can’t explain, God can turn your whole world upside down in an instance. Feeling immediate regret or failure, in time God can show you just how much he’s thinking about you. I’m not here to compete anymore. I’m here to serve.

My mind has fought too hard to understand why I’m still here. Now I know.